I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
