not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
