Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
