I am full of burrito and curiosity
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
whose parrot is this?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
