Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
