i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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