These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
