I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Randomize
