On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Houston, we have a squirter
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
