I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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