The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
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