The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
