Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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