Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
