I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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