My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
