So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
