Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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