how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Can you bring me the toilet please
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
