saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
