I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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