the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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