Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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