Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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