I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
its liver damage thursday
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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