I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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