I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You left your phone here
Wait...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
