I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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