There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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