I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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