i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
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