I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
