I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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