this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
