Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
