when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She's the barista slut.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
