Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Your penis caused this!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
