wat bout pragnant strippers??
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
