i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
