Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
