This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
