I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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