I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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