Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
