I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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