At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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