Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize