I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
