i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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