Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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